I AM GAY BUT I AM ALSO...

Dear Lovelies,

I am gay but I am also these things:

A person who loves a good brunch
A person who loves to write.
A person who loves to have private concerts in his car.
A person who loves and is close with his family.
A person who loves to paint and create art.
A person who loves fashion and expressing myself through clothes and accessories.
A person who loves listening to new music and creating playlists for different moods.
A person who's favorite color is yellow.
A person who struggles with a fear of the unknown and going after their dreams.
A person who keeps moving forward.
A person who is motivated to make my life count.
A person who loves to learn new things and expand my knowledge.
A person who loves to read and who has already read 4 books this year.
A person who actually like the occasional country song.

A person who is a person.

No matter a persons gender, sexual orientation, religious beliefs, or color of their skin they are still a person. We are all equal and we are all striving for the same thing in this life. To be loved and to give love. Throughout your life try to show less judgement for someone who is different from you and more love and acceptance.

Never forget that and never forget hope.

You are loved.

Broken Bones

Dear Lovelies, 

Broken bones. With broken bones you never question if that person needs to take time to let them heal and go see a doctor. The doctors and friends of that person are concerned for that person and want to make sure they heal quickly, without questioning if their bone is broken. 

They just trust that it is and believe that persons word. 

That is not how it is with depression. 

With depression people always ask "when you will get out of your funk?" or "how long does it last until it will go away?".

I wish that it was that easy. I wish that depression was just a phase and that it would go away but unfortunately it is not. Depression is a mental illness. That means that those who have it are sick and are always on the path to heal and get better. Medication's, exercise, and talking to others can help but it is a mental battle that is struggle throughout that persons life.

I do not know if this post is making sense but to those who understand this... I am here. I understand you. I am you. At this moment you have thoughts going through your head telling you that you are worthless. Do not let them take over. You know you are of worth. You know that you will accomplish your dreams. You know that you will make it to the next day.
You can do it.

 I want you to take a moment and focus on something that is your happy place. Take a deep breath and imagine that place and something you love about yourself. I know it is hard but please just think of at least of one thing. Why am I doing this? you may ask and the reason is because you are of worth and when you think bad about yourself... that is your depression.

I know it may seem unfair but that is life of someone with depression. Wait... are you still remembering to breath? Good, you are doing great and you're doing so good.

You are okay and you will be okay. 

Now lovelies, please get up and get out in the world. It needs you and your beautiful soul. 

Never forget that and never forget hope.

You are loved.

Rainstorm

Dear Readers, 

Every morning when I open my curtains for that first look at the day, no matter what the day looks like—raining, foggy, overcast, sunny—my heart swells with gratitude. I get another chance.

- Oprah Winfrey 

Lovelies, what does this quote mean to you? For me it truly has helped heal me a little. Yesterday was a very hard day for me. It was my first day of a new semester and here is what happened: 

1) I woke up very anxious

2) My writing professor is very  serious and I am unable to read him

3) One of my dance professors does not like me and in the same class a girl who bullied me in middle school is in that class with me. 

4) I ended up crying hysterically to my mom on the phone for about an hour. 

You could say that it was a great way to start the new semester. Haha 

The rest of the day I just went through the motions and did what I suppose to. I was just in a cloud of gloom and stress. I couldn't get out of it and cried on and off for the rest of the day. 

That night I was getting ready for bed and a friend of mine texted me. She asked how I was and we started talking. We talked through what I was stressed and sad about and it truly was therapeutic. She was going through the same things and we were able to make a deeper connection and we were able to help heal each other. 

She reminded me that the rain might be pouring right now but the clouds will clear and times will get better. They may not clear when we want them to but they will clear when it is needed. 

With this new year I want you each to remember to be grateful... especially through the storms. Even though I am not the best at that I am trying and when I do I see the difference in my life. 

I know if you will that  you'll each see the difference as well. 

PC: Brady (Instagram: bradaliny)

Never forget that and never forget hope.



You are loved. 

Auld Lang Syne

Dear Readers, 

Is it just me or have you lovelies been reflecting a lot on this past year???

I have been thinking about this past year a lot and one word that comes to my mind is grateful. 

I am grateful for all that has occurred within these almost 365 days 

I am grateful for each tear that I have shed... which have been a lot. 

I am grateful for each laugh I have chuckled.

I am grateful for each friend I have made.

I am grateful for all the opportunities I have had to speak about my suicide attempt and coming out as a gay man. 

I am grateful for Ballet. 

I am grateful for the opportunities I have been given with school and business. 

But I am most grateful to still be breathing. 

In August of this year I had the opportunity to celebrate my 1 year anniversary of my Suicide Attempt and it was the most beautiful night of my life. I was surrounded by my “tribe” of people who helped me heal within that year to get me to want to continue to live. It was hard and on some days it’s still hard beyond belief. I still feel so weak at times and have the thought that my depression might win and in all honesty that scares me. 

With this new year fastly approaching the two words I have chosen are: Humility and Life

I have chosen those two words to remind me that I need to be humble. I need to stay grounded and not let myself get greedy and/or selfish. I need to reach outward to my fellow man. 

I chose the word Life to remind myself that life is beautiful. Life is a gift. Life is WORTH living. 

I am so excited for the year 2018 and all it has in store for me and for each of you too! 

Happy New Year, lovelies. I am so grateful for each of you and your beauty.

Never forget that and never forget hope.

You are loved. 

 

A Holiday Message

Dear Readers, 

"See the light in others, and treat them as if that is all you see."

 – Dr. Wayne Dyer

This quote has been my mantra for the holiday season. I love this time of year and all the meaning it has to me. I get to spend more time with my family/friends, people are more giving, and there is a since of magic around everything we do. It truly is the most wonderful time of the year. 

As Christmas is exactly a week away I just want you to each remember how important it is to look for the light in each other. Everyone is going through something that we no nothing about. They are going through their own storms and trials and we do not need to add to that. Remember that we are all equal, we each deserve love, and we each need to support one another.  

I hope through out this coming week you remember what this time of year is really for (love) and that you share it with everyone you come in contact with. 

Happy Holidays, lovelies. 

PC: BRADY (@bradaliny) -Instagram 

Never forget that and never forget hope.

You are loved.

SELF-WORTH CAN BE TOUGH

Dear Readers, 

I've learned that fear limits you and your vision. It serves as blinders to what may be just a few steps down the road for you. The journey is valuable, but believing in your talents, your abilities, and your self-worth can empower you to walk down an even brighter path.

-Soledad O'Brien

These words rang so true to me and one of my biggest weaknesses... self-worth. I struggle SO much with accepting myself, in any aspect. I struggle so much at times that all I can do is cry and wait for the tears to pass. I always fall into the comparison cycle of looking at others and their good and comparing it to my bad and I believe we all do this. 

Yesterday was a very busy but emotional day. I got to help all day and night with a foundation I volunteer at as much as I can. This was a very huge event that was created to help  LGBTQ+ Youth in Utah not feel alone or ashamed but to help them feel like they are beautiful as they are and they are needed in this community. There was an amazing turn out of youth and their families/friends. 

Through out the entire day I could not help but smile while looking at all of these youth. They felt safe, wanted, and authentically accepted. It was beyond amazing. The finale for the event was a concert. I was helping and so I was in the back of the stadium and as one song played I could not help but just let all of my tears out. You might assume they were tears of joy (which they were) but in all honesty it was mainly tears of sorrow. Why? You may ask. The reason being is because I felt sorrow for my past self. I was grieving what teenage Nathan had to go through and also what I had to go through last year after and before my suicide attempt.

 That time was almost complete darkness for me. 

I felt sorrow for that past part of my life because I thought about that if I knew what all of these high school and middle school kids knew now that maybe I would have never had tried to kill myself and maybe my depression would not be as bad as it is at times. 

After my tears stopped I had the realization that I am grateful for those past parts of my life. Without them I would not be who I am and I would not be able to help all those who I do. It was amazing to have that revelation and to in a sense gain a piece of my self-worth that was not there before. 

Self-worth can always be found.

 IT IS NOT LOST. 

This experience did not get rid of my negative thoughts but it helped me to realize a few things: 

Yes, I struggle with self-worth. Yes, at times I see no value in myself. Yes, I sometimes do not feel hopeful. 

AND THAT IS OKAY!!!

 It is okay to always be a work in progress. It is okay to continually grow into yourself so that you can feel your own self-worth. 

When you continue to search for your self-wroth you continue to walk down your own path of light, lovelies. I know that at times all you will see is your negatives. Accept that, sit in that, and let your heart work through that. It will help you heal and it will help you to become better and finding your own worth. We all deserve that. So... as this next week starts fight the comparing game and remember your own worth, even if it is only one thing.

Never forget that and never forget hope.

You are loved lovelies.

YOU’LL FIND LOVE

Dear Readers, 

It’s 8:18pm on a brisk November night... on a Friday. I am sitting on my bed in the comfiest of comfy robes and I have a Christmas Bath and Bodyworks candle burning. It’s really peaceful and I should be happy and content but I’m not. At this moment I am feeling this: melancholy, outcast, alone, stressed, and confused. 

I know this might seem weird to be sharing with you but I promise that it’s for a reason. I love each of you beyond words and I love to be raw and honest with you. So, here I go. 

You know that feeling of wanting someone to love you? I do. More times than not I feel that and I feel it deeply. From past posts you know I have not had the best luck with relationships. I can get in one, that’s not the problem but the problem is that someone always ends up hurting me in some way or another. It’s just what I have been given for now. Now don’t get me wrong, I don’t feel that I have to be in a relationship to feel whole but to one day be in a relationship with someone and it’s love that would be beautiful and almost in a since magical. Ya know? 

Today I was volunteering at a place that I do every Friday and my friend was there shadowing me. He was catching me up on his life and more specifically his dating life. He showed me his hundreds of matches on Tinder and updated me on all the men he is hopeful about. I couldn’t help but smile and just feel so happy for him. I love to see him dating and it being successful and him “slaying” it. Haha 

Seeing people I love  happy is one of my favorite things! 

But... while he was catching me up in the back of my head I kept thinking: 

“What is wrong with me?” “What does he have that I don’t?” “I can see why men want him and not me.”

After I noticed what I was saying and doing to myself I waited for a moment for when he stopped and excused myself to the restroom. I closed the door behind me, looked in the mirror over the sink, and said to myself: 

“You WILL find love and you will have more dates in the future. Right now it’s just not your time and that’s okay! You’re doing great and your handsome!”

That moment was a wake up call for me. 

With me telling you this I don’t want you to feel bad for me in the slightest. I instead want you to put this toward your own train of thought. If you’re not in a relationship right now remember that it’s okay! Love takes time and it will happen when the time is right. It may not be when you think it is but in retrospect it will be. I PROMISE! So don’t let being single or the struggles of dating get you down. You’re amazing. You’re of so much worth. And you’re beautiful! 

Never forget that and never forget hope.

You are loved lovelies.