Tear Drops and Hope

Dear Readers, 

Do you remember the children's book "Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day"?

That was my day, both yesterday and today. Yesterday I woke up and I just felt unattractive. I had dark circles under my eyes, a pimple on my forehead, I was running late that morning, and did not have a nice outfit on, and got to work 30 minutes late... yikes. 

Once I got to work I started to get in the groove of doing what my boss wanted me to. I was answering his emails and helping with clients. Through out the day though I had a coworker, who let's just say, wanted to bicker, and since I wasn't giving in hurt the feelings of said person. 

After handling that fiasco, I got assigned to help one client in particular, for my boss. It's a long story and I can not go into details but she was not following the rules and was not happy that she got caught by the head of the company. 

With that being said... the person decided to talk down to me, belittle me, and try her best to make me feel insignificant. After the hour long meeting, I walked away feeling defeated and even less self-esteem than before, when I left my home this morning. I had to take a minute to myself and have a little cry and also just to get some actual fresh air. It helped and I freshened myself up and went back in and continued to my work. 

Later that evening I discovered the news that my friends brother, who has been missing since July 27th, 2017 body was discovered.
After feeling sorry for myself all day I couldn't help but feel horrible. Here I am, feeling I look ugly and bad because I have been having a horrible work day and my friend and his entire's families heart's were just shattered. They lost a brother, son, father, and husband. An amazing man and will never be forgotten.

After hearing this, I waited till everyone else left my work building and I just sat at my desk and with my hands on my knees and head laying in them, I cried and cried some more. For awhile I just could not get them to stop. I felt defeated and my heart felt quite heavy...

I drove home listening to some songs, to help cheer me up. Once I got home I did some self-care. That included:
1)Steam Shower
2) Watching "The Goonies"
3) Eating some lemon cake with cream cheese frosting
4) Hugs from my family

After doing that I felt much more calm and like I could go to sleep that night.


Even though these past 2 days have been hard, I have grown and I have learned something.
It's okay to have moments where you feel bad for yourself but do not stew in them. If you have to have a couple days to hurt, do it and do not let anyone say you can't.
We each NEED to feel all of our emotions and not let them get pushed down and ignore them. It's unhealthy and does so much damaged to our mental and physical health in the long run.

Remember to do a thing a day for you and for someone else. It really will make you feel better and get you through the trying times. It has for me.

SO! Even though my life is a little bit of a roller coaster, at the moment. I know it will get less bumpy and smooth, soon.



 Life is a blessing and so are each of you.

Love,

Nathan

I Don't Know About You But I'm Feeling 22

Dear Readers, 

As tomorrow (August 8th) is my 22nd birthday I wanted to share 22 things I have learned through out my life, so far.  

I hope they help you with whatever you are going through and know I adore each of you. 

1) Love the body you have given. 

- I have learned this time and time again. It is so important to take your own personal journey and learn to love EVERY part of you. You are perfect just as you are.

2) Hold your tongue at times. 

-It's always good to let your voice be heard but don't say things that may cause harm to others. Use your voice to bring smiles to others... not frowns. 

3) Eat that piece of cake or buy that shirt. 

-Everyday is a gift and we need to live like it is so. Eat that piece of cake that looks delicious or buy that shirt from the mall you are obsessed with. It really is worth it. 

4) It's okay to cry in front of others. 

-Throughout my life (especially this past year) I have felt all the emotions I have found it's better to be vulnerable and share what's on your mind than bottling it up and hurting yourself. 

5) Chase what lights you up.

- I use to just go with the crowd and I have learned life is way more fun doing exactly what you love than what others want you to. 

6) Do things that scare you. 

-Go out to that party and jump in that lake. You won't grow unless you go out of your box. 

7) Don't be afraid to make new friends. 

- I use to think I have all the friends I need but I have learned it's always good to meet new people. You never know who will become your forever friend. 

8) Forget the haters. 

-There will always be people who think less of you... don't pay attention to them and live your life!

9) Make time for yourself. 

-You time is so important. Even if it is just a bath and some good tunes. Always make time for yourself. 

10) Be willing to find new music. 

-This one is more recent. At the end of last year my friend started to share a new song with my everyday and ever since than I have loved the adventure to find new tunes. 

11) Find outlets to express yourself. 

-I have always used my writing to share my thoughts and I always have used my dancing. It's almost like therapy for me and I promise that whatever your outlet is, if you continue to do it or start to do it, you will start to see how happy it makes you. 

12) Make family and friend time important. 

-Yes, we all are so busy but when you make some time each week to spend with the people you love, you will build relationships and grow a support system. Which we all need. 

13) Enjoy fashion! 

-Anyone who knows me knows I LOVE fashion and picking out new outfits. It's an amazing outlet and you will feel more confident in all you do when you love what you wear. 

14) Make goals. 

-It might sound cliche but it is so important. Give yourself things to achieve. It will get you more motivated in your daily life and help you feel more accomplished. 

15) Try to be a little more healthy. 

-Whether it's going for a walk or to just drinking more water. You only have one body and it's important to take care of it. 

16) Denny's at 2 in the morning, with friends is sometimes just what you need. 

-Nobody is there and I have had some of the deepest conversations with some friends there. 

***ALSO the cinnamon-roll pancakes are kind of to die for*** (; 

17) If you don't succeed the first time, try again. 

-Never give up on something that really matters to you. Yes, you might not be the best at it right now but if you give up before really giving it a shot, you will never truly know how well you could have done. 

18) What matter in high school no one will care about in college. 

-Just trust me on that one. 

19) Always be willing to go on a second date.

-Now this isn't for the ones you feel creeped out by but on the first date everyone is nervous. Go on the second date and you can see a more relaxed them and really see who they are and if it could go somewhere. 

20) Don't get embarrassed. 

-When you are out with friends and dancing just dance! Who cares what others think. They don't know you and just be you. Never let the haters win. 

21) Never let what happened in the past control your present/future. 

-Bad things have happened to all of us. It hurts and someday's you still remember that event... that's okay. Take time to heal and come back from that but in the end never let it take over your life. There may be moments, yes but never let it consume you and take of your life. 

You're worth more than that. 

22) Just live and strive for a happy life. 

- Life is amazing and even though there are bumps there are way more smooth spots to enjoy. So laugh a lot more, cry a lot less, and remember that your life is oh so good. 

I am excited to see what this new year of life has in-store for me and I am grateful to be alive. 

Goodbye 21 and hello 22. 

Love, 

Nathan 

It Is Just One Hit and One Bruise

Dear Readers,

“The most beautiful people I’ve known are those who have known trials, have known struggles, have known loss, and have found their way out of the depths.” 

– Elisabeth Kübler-Ross

He will change. He promised me he'll stop hitting me. He is a good guy, he just gets angry at me sometimes. It's my fault. I can be better for him.

These are the things I said to myself, hundreds of times in my past relationship with my abuser. Before I "came out" publicly as gay only one person knew and that person was my abuser. I thought he loved me and since he was the only one who knew I thought that is what all relationships are like in the gay community.  I dealt with it and got use to the things he did.

When the relationship first began it was bliss. He treated me like a king and showered me with gifts. That ended one month after the relationship began. After that he started to show a different side of him that I never knew before. It scared me and made me felt like I was in a black hole that I could not escape. It started off with that he would get mad and hit or say awful things to me only once in awhile... but then it became the usual.

I remember one occasion that will always stick out in my head and that I will never forget. One day I got off work and I wanted to surprise him with flowers at his job and so I brought them to him and he got so mad because the flowers were the wrong color. He then told me how horrible I was with some choice words and then punched me in the back and cracked a rib of mine. That is when I knew I had to get out.

For so many of you reading this you are probably thinking "Oh! I would have left him way before this! How could you stick around?!"and to that I say, you must of not been in an abusive relationship and you can not understand. When you are in a relationship like this you feel trapped and they have such a mental hold on you you feel like you can not escape no matter what. So please try to understand and do not judge.

I digress.

After that incident it took me a couple more months and  more beatings before I was brave enough to cut all ties with that truly evil man. Once I did I felt almost numb. I didn't know how to date and to be honest I was slightly scared to as well. I mean wouldn't you be if you thought that is how all relationships would be for you from then on?

A few months later after I cut all ties I found my peace. I found my strength. I found me again. I had a realization while I was watching a a TED Talk that I am of SO MUCH WORTH and that I deserve so much more respect in a relationship and that I am truly beautiful. I am a male survivor of physical and verbal abuse. 

For any who might be hurting and dealing with anything I have spoken about, I want you to know you are NOT alone and to please reach out to someone you trust to help you get out. You deserve so much more. You are of great worth and I and so many others love you. 

Never forget that lovelies.

Love,

Nathan

Proud Pride

Dear Readers,

Before I start with this post I want to say this post is not intended to cause offense to anyone or any sort of negative emotions. I just hope to bring across a message of joy, hope, and love.

Now, on with the post. (:

June is World Pride Month and as a gay man this is my first I have gotten to celebrate being that I only came out in November of last year. 

Salt Lake City Pride was the first weekend of June and it truly was a wonderful experience for me. I got to spend it with friends and family that I love. I think my favorite experience from the entire weekend was the Sunday morning parade. I got to walk in the parade with a foundation I support and I got to walk it with my friends and family. I don't truly how to describe it but I truly felt beyond free and one hundred percent myself. There was no judgement and just love being shown to all.

Another wonderful experience that I got to experience this month is that I got to speak at Encircle: LGBT+ Family and Youth Center. I shared my coming out story and how I have learned to thrive after my suicide attempt (which is a whole blog post in it's self). It was truly a beautiful experience and even though I may have stumbled I am grateful for that opportunity and all who came to support me. I just pray that I was able to touch at least one soul. 

It truly changed me and I will never forget it.

To change gears a little bit I want to say what Pride means to me and hear it is:

What this month means to me is love. Pride truly is celebrating yourself for who you are, no matter if that's gay, straight, lesbian, or whatever that may be. It means love one another as yourself and learning to not be unkind to your fellow man all year around. It means spreading hope to those who feel hopeless. It means to show joy to the sad. 

I truly feel that once we realize that someones sexuality is just a very small part of them and it doesn't define who they are in any aspect of their life. So please, don't judge someone based on their sexuality but get to know them and I promise you will learn to love them... even if your beliefs differ. Anyone who is apart of the LGBTQ+ community is just like anyone who is apart of the straight community. We have dreams of having a family one day, being great at whatever career who pursue, and to love and be loved. We have more similarities then any differences we have. 

My challenge to you is to go about your day loving more and seeing the good in others instead of their faults. I promise that when you do, you will start to feel more happy.

“Love each other dearly always. There is scarcely anything else in the world but that: to love one another.” 

― Victor Hugo

Love,

Nathan

The Week Of Death

Dear Readers, 

What a week my lovelies. I know this might sound dark and dramatic but I call this past week 

"The Week of Death".

Here is why: 

On Monday, early in the morning my great uncle Don passed away from his battle of cancer. I was in a type of shock when my parents told me, due to him only being diagnosed 13 days before his passing. He was such a wonderful man. He always put everyone first and he helped all who crossed his path. 

The entire city, where he lived, was in mourning from his passing. I am grateful that he is not in pain anymore and I am grateful for all the love and prayers that have been sent to my family and I.

On Friday (the day of my uncle Don's funeral), I got on to my Facebook and saw the news that my dear friend Bonnie, a woman who I was her care taker for passed away. All I could do was get up from my desk and go to the stairs at my work and cry. I texted my coworker Lexi to have her meet me in the stairs. I told her the news and she just held me. It was just what I needed and I am so thankful for that beautiful moment. 

A few moments later, my mom called and told me the news that one of my aunts passed away that morning. You guessed it... I cried some more. After having a good cry I freshened up and went back to my desk and pretended that everything was fine. 

I guess I didn't do a good job because my boss came to my office and said that he needed to meet with me in the conference room. I was so nervous and thought I was in trouble. I entered the room and sat down. He looked at me and said "You're having a hard day, aren't you?" I simply said, "I am." and became vulnerable and explained why. He explained how he understands and wanted me to take the rest of the day off. 

I wanted to give him a hug and explain how grateful I am but all I could do was get up and say thank you. I am so thankful for him seeing that I was having a hard day and he gave me a brake to rejuvenate. I've never had a boss show compassion like that and it makes me feel oh so grateful for my job, even though I am not the best at it. 

I know that we can have days, weeks, or months of hardships but I promise that they won't last. I know it feels like it will but I promise the good times will come again. Just like the sun rises each day. 

You are stronger than you think and you are braver than you think. You are a beautiful soul and you have those on here on this earth and those who have passed on cheering you on every moment of everyday.

Love, 

Nathan 

Love Yourself

Dear Readers, 

I feel like this week I have been hard on myself and my appearance and I hate that. I hate that I, at times I just rip my appearance apart and only focus on the negative. 

I know it is not healthy and I have done my best to do the opposite this week and I actually have come up with a new and awesome technique! 

What I have started to do is keep a daily "Self Positive Journal". Each day I write in it something that I love about myself. It can be either physical or more of an emotional one. 

I encourage everyone to try it. I promise you that you will start to see yourself in a more positive way and you will start to feel more confident in who you are. 

"When your opinion of yourself goes up then you’ll stop trying to get so much validation and attention from other people. You become less needy and find an inner stability even when your world might be negative or uncertain at times.

The increasing self-esteem and self-love also makes you feel more deserving of good things in life and so you’ll self-sabotage less and go after what you deep down want with more motivation and focus than ever before."

- Unknown

Love, 

Nathan

An Elect Lady

Dear Readers,

As Mother's Day was on Sunday I have been thinking about my own mom and the amazing woman she is. There truly are not words that can fully explain how much I love her but there is a quote that reminds me of her whenever I see it. 

“My mother was the most beautiful woman I ever saw. All I am I owe to my mother. I attribute my success in life to the moral, intellectual and physical education I received from her.” 

― George Washington

I adore you mom and I am beyond thankful for you and the beautiful human you are.

You are my person and I could never see my life without you.

Love your little Magoo (: