JUNE GLOOM

Dear Lovelies, 

In the month of June they have something called June Gloom. The entire month of June it's grey and overcast with a huge amount of fog. That's what the past couple of weeks have been for me. I have so many wonderful things happening for me but through them my depression has been heavy. That is the thing with depression... you do not get to choose when it wants to "June Gloom" you. 

This week I have fought to have a better week than last. I held tight to my mantras and actually reached out to my tribe in times of weakness and heaviness. I let myself cry when I felt like I needed to cry and I did things for me while also getting things done I needed to. It was empowering to hold tight to my tools this week and not letting my depression hold them... if that makes sense. 

I have always been willing to talk about my mental health and the trials I face with them and just trials I have had throughout my life. I do get sometimes though that people think I have beat my depression, anxiety, or body image issues. I am here to tell you I have not. I fight everyday and some moments or days I do not win and that's okay. 

You too will have moments throughout your life that you will feel defeated by whatever trial you are going through. You will feel defeated and unworthy. Let yourself feel that but do not sit in. From someone who has done that, all it does it makes you feel worse than you already do. 

Each of you are worth far more than that! 

You each are so brave. You are fighters and have conquered so much in your lives so far. Yes, you may be facing one or many trials right now but you've made it so far already. You each inspire, even if we have never met. Thank you for fighting and thank you for continuing to be you.

Never forget that and never forget hope.

You are loved.  

YOU ARE YOU

Dear Lovelies, 

"...if you are a kid and you are out there and you are chubby and not so cute and nerdy and shy and invisible and in pain, whatever your race, whatever your gender, whatever your sexual orientation, I’m standing here to tell you: you are not alone.

Your tribe of people, they are out there in the world. Waiting for you."

-Shonda Rhimes 

This past week I have felt the opposite of what the amazing Shonda is saying in this excerpt from her speech at the Human Rights Campaign Gala in Los Angels, CA. I have felt less than those around me. I went through the cycle of me telling myself over and over again that no photographers actually want to take photographs of me but more they do it out of pity. I kept telling myself how huge my thighs have gotten and many other things. 

It got so bad that last night I broke down and cried in the shower. I then had a

"come to Jesus" moment with myself and told myself that I am beautiful in my own way. I am a powerhouse. I look how I do and that's okay!

Lovelies... I know you each have felt those negative things about yourself or some form of it. I know the pain it causes you. I want you to now that you are not alone and you are beautiful. We each will struggle with our own insecurities but never let them take over you. 

Never forget that and never forget hope.

You are loved. 

STRAIGHT GUYS

Dear Lovelies, 

By the title of this you may be confused or intrigued. I have been thinking about this topic for a while and I feel it is about time I wrote a thought or two about it. 

(Please note that throughout this blog post I am stating my opinions and thoughts from personal experiences throughout my life. I am not speaking for the entire gay community or the entire straight community.)

Throughout the entirety of my life I have tried to make true friendships with straight guys. Before I was out I tried so that no one would know I was gay. After I came out I continued to try because I genuinely wanted that connection of having one or more as a genuine friend. Is this making since Lovelies? 

Let me try to explain. Growing up I naturally became not only friends but best friends with girls and women. Our souls just connected and friendships were made. Reflecting back on when I tried become friends with straight males before I was out I notice that I tried too hard and it might have come off as desperation for that friendship with straight men and so it never worked. Now looking on present day Nathan trying to connect and make genuine with straight males it's different. I am being genuine and not trying to  be something I am not. 

I have a few genuine friends that are straight men and we hang out like I do with any of my other friends (female or LGBTQ+). We confide in each other and it's just like any other friendship I have. Now I am not saying that it is perfect. In all honesty I still walk on mental eggshells with any of my straight male friends. I am constantly worried that I will have them think I "in-love" with them or that I am being "too gay" around them. 

I am trying though and always working on improving on being 100% authentic with them. 

Now enough about me and my personal experiences with this topic. 

I personally feel that there is a huge stigma around gay and straight men being friends. From the gay mans viewpoint they are guarded to be-friend a straight man because of past experiences that may have included bullying of some sort of media platform and how they portray them. It scares them to open up and be vulnerable with them and the chance for them to say something derogatory about their sexual orientation. 

I feel that when both sides open up to one another and communicate that genuine friendships can form. There is no need for the current state of awkwardness that occurs between straight and gay men. 

PC: Paige Holmgren Photography 

Let us love each other. 

Never forget that and never forget hope.

You are loved.  

SEM;COLON

Dear Lovelies, 

Definition of Semicolon: 

 "a punctuation mark; that can be used to separate parts of a sentence which need clearer separation than would be shown by a comma, to separate main clauses which have no conjunction between, and to separate phrases and clauses containing commas."

I love how in this definition of what a semicolon is it states: "which need clearer separation". 

As someone who has survived a suicide attempt this helped me realize that my life before my suicide attempt, the time period I attempted, and my life after recovering from it are each individual moments in my life. They each define me in some way. I look at those 3 separate parts of my life and I see very 3 different parts of Nathan. Am I making sense, lovelies?

When I attempted I felt as if there was no more parts of life to live. 

I felt that my life was done. 

I felt as if my life was not worth continuing. 

I felt as if my life was of no worth. 

I felt that my depression had consumed me. 

I felt unworthy of love in any portion of my life. 

I felt that there was no semicolon portion for me. 

I felt defeated and done. 

After I realized that I was still alive, after my attempt... I was mad. I was so angry with the world and those who helped to keep me alive. I yelled at the doctors, I yelled at my family, and I screamed at God. After having a grown-up tantrum and being in the hospital for a few days I realized that it was okay to be alive. I wasn't fully happy but I felt as if I was still alive for a reason that was completely unknown to me at the time and partially unknown to me at times still. 

Now that I am not in my semicolon stage and I am in the completely separate chapter I am breathing. I am building stronger relationships with my family and friends. I am striving to create in ways that are beautiful and raw to me. I am not letting my depression control every moment of every day. I am learning to love that I am alive and I think that is a beautiful thing within itself. 

Don't you?

Never forget that and never forget hope.

You are loved.

I AM GAY BUT I AM ALSO...

Dear Lovelies,

I am gay but I am also these things:

A person who loves a good brunch
A person who loves to write.
A person who loves to have private concerts in his car.
A person who loves and is close with his family.
A person who loves to paint and create art.
A person who loves fashion and expressing myself through clothes and accessories.
A person who loves listening to new music and creating playlists for different moods.
A person who's favorite color is yellow.
A person who struggles with a fear of the unknown and going after their dreams.
A person who keeps moving forward.
A person who is motivated to make my life count.
A person who loves to learn new things and expand my knowledge.
A person who loves to read and who has already read 4 books this year.
A person who actually like the occasional country song.

A person who is a person.

No matter a persons gender, sexual orientation, religious beliefs, or color of their skin they are still a person. We are all equal and we are all striving for the same thing in this life. To be loved and to give love. Throughout your life try to show less judgement for someone who is different from you and more love and acceptance.

Never forget that and never forget hope.

You are loved.

Broken Bones

Dear Lovelies, 

Broken bones. With broken bones you never question if that person needs to take time to let them heal and go see a doctor. The doctors and friends of that person are concerned for that person and want to make sure they heal quickly, without questioning if their bone is broken. 

They just trust that it is and believe that persons word. 

That is not how it is with depression. 

With depression people always ask "when you will get out of your funk?" or "how long does it last until it will go away?".

I wish that it was that easy. I wish that depression was just a phase and that it would go away but unfortunately it is not. Depression is a mental illness. That means that those who have it are sick and are always on the path to heal and get better. Medication's, exercise, and talking to others can help but it is a mental battle that is struggle throughout that persons life.

I do not know if this post is making sense but to those who understand this... I am here. I understand you. I am you. At this moment you have thoughts going through your head telling you that you are worthless. Do not let them take over. You know you are of worth. You know that you will accomplish your dreams. You know that you will make it to the next day.
You can do it.

 I want you to take a moment and focus on something that is your happy place. Take a deep breath and imagine that place and something you love about yourself. I know it is hard but please just think of at least of one thing. Why am I doing this? you may ask and the reason is because you are of worth and when you think bad about yourself... that is your depression.

I know it may seem unfair but that is life of someone with depression. Wait... are you still remembering to breath? Good, you are doing great and you're doing so good.

You are okay and you will be okay. 

Now lovelies, please get up and get out in the world. It needs you and your beautiful soul. 

Never forget that and never forget hope.

You are loved.

Rainstorm

Dear Readers, 

Every morning when I open my curtains for that first look at the day, no matter what the day looks like—raining, foggy, overcast, sunny—my heart swells with gratitude. I get another chance.

- Oprah Winfrey 

Lovelies, what does this quote mean to you? For me it truly has helped heal me a little. Yesterday was a very hard day for me. It was my first day of a new semester and here is what happened: 

1) I woke up very anxious

2) My writing professor is very  serious and I am unable to read him

3) One of my dance professors does not like me and in the same class a girl who bullied me in middle school is in that class with me. 

4) I ended up crying hysterically to my mom on the phone for about an hour. 

You could say that it was a great way to start the new semester. Haha 

The rest of the day I just went through the motions and did what I suppose to. I was just in a cloud of gloom and stress. I couldn't get out of it and cried on and off for the rest of the day. 

That night I was getting ready for bed and a friend of mine texted me. She asked how I was and we started talking. We talked through what I was stressed and sad about and it truly was therapeutic. She was going through the same things and we were able to make a deeper connection and we were able to help heal each other. 

She reminded me that the rain might be pouring right now but the clouds will clear and times will get better. They may not clear when we want them to but they will clear when it is needed. 

With this new year I want you each to remember to be grateful... especially through the storms. Even though I am not the best at that I am trying and when I do I see the difference in my life. 

I know if you will that  you'll each see the difference as well. 

PC: Brady (Instagram: bradaliny)

Never forget that and never forget hope.



You are loved.