Dear Readers,
In Utah, suicide is the leading cause of death for the state of Utah for ages 10 to 17. It is the second leading cause of death for ages 18 to 24 and 25 to 44 and the fourth-leading cause of death for ages 45-64. It truly is an epidemic and it is not going away. After learning that and researching why, there really is no "official" answer. So, after hearing that please continue to read this post to hear about my suicide story.
425 lives lost. 425 people who have passed on. 425 humans who died from suicide in the state of Utah, this year alone. When I discovered this news on Friday, my heart was very heavy and I spent my day (after my classes) wrapped up in blankets and in my bed. It really took a toll on me.
You might be wondering why and it's because it reminded me of my own suicide attempt last year and how that was almost me. I could be dead right now and that... and that scares me.
The reason it scares me is because on the 25th of August, 2016 I tried to kill myself by overdosing on prescription drugs. I thought I needed to be gone. I thought my life was pointless. I thought that no one cared or even loved me. I thought that if I died the world would be a brighter place and no one would even notice I had passed. I felt completely alone and I felt like a weird species that people were disgusted by.
My depression got so bad that weeks before my attempt, killing myself was the only thing I thought about. All I could think about was me being gone. I wanted it with all of my being.
The reason I felt those things and if I am being completely honest with you, I sometimes still do... is because of about three main things...
- I am Gay and I was not out yet and growing up in the area I did, it was frowned upon and looked at as disgusting
- I was in an abusive relationship from the age of 16, on and off and he really did a number on my mental health
- I always had depression and those two factors plus my body dis-morphia really ate at my soul
After my attempt I remember waking up in the hospital with my parents, doctors, and nurses crying over me. All them were in such a shock of what had a occurred and the reason of why I chose to die. I remember not even caring that they were relieved that I was alive but I was more thinking about how angry I was that it didn't work. I remember yelling at God that he messed up in keeping me here. I remember thinking that if he doesn't like gays, he should have let me go. I just wanted to be dead.
After I was healthy enough to be transferred to the mental hospital, they moved quickly and got me there. I remember arriving and bumping into a woman who has known me since I was 11 years old. She was one of the therapists there and also got assigned to check me in. It brought me comfort to know that she was with me and made me feel safe be checked in there.
I spent about 2 weeks in the hospital before I was able to go home. I was so relieved to be able to go home. I was grateful for all of the tools I learned and the therapy. THERAPY is a life saver and everyone should go at least once!!!
When I arrived home, I remember being greeted by family and a few close friends. I thought that they were going to chew me out for what I had done and only want to talk about that, thankfully it was the opposite. They talked about movies they had seen, new clothes they had bought, and different beauty products they think I would love. It meant the world to me. The reason it did was because they chose to treat me like a normal person and not some depressed freak, like the movies portray depression as.
They handle it beautifully and for that I am beyond grateful.
Now, you might be wondering why I chose to share this part of me with you and the reason is this: life is worth living and there have been way to many lives lost recently.
I want to make a difference in this world and want others to know that it's okay to have depression. It's not a bad thing and in fact, it's another thing that makes you uniquely you.
I and so many others are beyond grateful that you are alive and that you are still striving to breath.
WE NEED YOU!
If you ever feel depressed or any negative feelings at all, please call the National Suicide Hotline which is:
1-800-273-TALK
The time is now, to end suicide.
Stay strong my lovelies.
