Auld Lang Syne

Dear Readers, 

Is it just me or have you lovelies been reflecting a lot on this past year???

I have been thinking about this past year a lot and one word that comes to my mind is grateful. 

I am grateful for all that has occurred within these almost 365 days 

I am grateful for each tear that I have shed... which have been a lot. 

I am grateful for each laugh I have chuckled.

I am grateful for each friend I have made.

I am grateful for all the opportunities I have had to speak about my suicide attempt and coming out as a gay man. 

I am grateful for Ballet. 

I am grateful for the opportunities I have been given with school and business. 

But I am most grateful to still be breathing. 

In August of this year I had the opportunity to celebrate my 1 year anniversary of my Suicide Attempt and it was the most beautiful night of my life. I was surrounded by my “tribe” of people who helped me heal within that year to get me to want to continue to live. It was hard and on some days it’s still hard beyond belief. I still feel so weak at times and have the thought that my depression might win and in all honesty that scares me. 

With this new year fastly approaching the two words I have chosen are: Humility and Life

I have chosen those two words to remind me that I need to be humble. I need to stay grounded and not let myself get greedy and/or selfish. I need to reach outward to my fellow man. 

I chose the word Life to remind myself that life is beautiful. Life is a gift. Life is WORTH living. 

I am so excited for the year 2018 and all it has in store for me and for each of you too! 

Happy New Year, lovelies. I am so grateful for each of you and your beauty.

Never forget that and never forget hope.

You are loved. 

 

A Holiday Message

Dear Readers, 

"See the light in others, and treat them as if that is all you see."

 – Dr. Wayne Dyer

This quote has been my mantra for the holiday season. I love this time of year and all the meaning it has to me. I get to spend more time with my family/friends, people are more giving, and there is a since of magic around everything we do. It truly is the most wonderful time of the year. 

As Christmas is exactly a week away I just want you to each remember how important it is to look for the light in each other. Everyone is going through something that we no nothing about. They are going through their own storms and trials and we do not need to add to that. Remember that we are all equal, we each deserve love, and we each need to support one another.  

I hope through out this coming week you remember what this time of year is really for (love) and that you share it with everyone you come in contact with. 

Happy Holidays, lovelies. 

PC: BRADY (@bradaliny) -Instagram 

Never forget that and never forget hope.

You are loved.

SELF-WORTH CAN BE TOUGH

Dear Readers, 

I've learned that fear limits you and your vision. It serves as blinders to what may be just a few steps down the road for you. The journey is valuable, but believing in your talents, your abilities, and your self-worth can empower you to walk down an even brighter path.

-Soledad O'Brien

These words rang so true to me and one of my biggest weaknesses... self-worth. I struggle SO much with accepting myself, in any aspect. I struggle so much at times that all I can do is cry and wait for the tears to pass. I always fall into the comparison cycle of looking at others and their good and comparing it to my bad and I believe we all do this. 

Yesterday was a very busy but emotional day. I got to help all day and night with a foundation I volunteer at as much as I can. This was a very huge event that was created to help  LGBTQ+ Youth in Utah not feel alone or ashamed but to help them feel like they are beautiful as they are and they are needed in this community. There was an amazing turn out of youth and their families/friends. 

Through out the entire day I could not help but smile while looking at all of these youth. They felt safe, wanted, and authentically accepted. It was beyond amazing. The finale for the event was a concert. I was helping and so I was in the back of the stadium and as one song played I could not help but just let all of my tears out. You might assume they were tears of joy (which they were) but in all honesty it was mainly tears of sorrow. Why? You may ask. The reason being is because I felt sorrow for my past self. I was grieving what teenage Nathan had to go through and also what I had to go through last year after and before my suicide attempt.

 That time was almost complete darkness for me. 

I felt sorrow for that past part of my life because I thought about that if I knew what all of these high school and middle school kids knew now that maybe I would have never had tried to kill myself and maybe my depression would not be as bad as it is at times. 

After my tears stopped I had the realization that I am grateful for those past parts of my life. Without them I would not be who I am and I would not be able to help all those who I do. It was amazing to have that revelation and to in a sense gain a piece of my self-worth that was not there before. 

Self-worth can always be found.

 IT IS NOT LOST. 

This experience did not get rid of my negative thoughts but it helped me to realize a few things: 

Yes, I struggle with self-worth. Yes, at times I see no value in myself. Yes, I sometimes do not feel hopeful. 

AND THAT IS OKAY!!!

 It is okay to always be a work in progress. It is okay to continually grow into yourself so that you can feel your own self-worth. 

When you continue to search for your self-wroth you continue to walk down your own path of light, lovelies. I know that at times all you will see is your negatives. Accept that, sit in that, and let your heart work through that. It will help you heal and it will help you to become better and finding your own worth. We all deserve that. So... as this next week starts fight the comparing game and remember your own worth, even if it is only one thing.

Never forget that and never forget hope.

You are loved lovelies.