Auld Lang Syne

Dear Readers, 

Is it just me or have you lovelies been reflecting a lot on this past year???

I have been thinking about this past year a lot and one word that comes to my mind is grateful. 

I am grateful for all that has occurred within these almost 365 days 

I am grateful for each tear that I have shed... which have been a lot. 

I am grateful for each laugh I have chuckled.

I am grateful for each friend I have made.

I am grateful for all the opportunities I have had to speak about my suicide attempt and coming out as a gay man. 

I am grateful for Ballet. 

I am grateful for the opportunities I have been given with school and business. 

But I am most grateful to still be breathing. 

In August of this year I had the opportunity to celebrate my 1 year anniversary of my Suicide Attempt and it was the most beautiful night of my life. I was surrounded by my “tribe” of people who helped me heal within that year to get me to want to continue to live. It was hard and on some days it’s still hard beyond belief. I still feel so weak at times and have the thought that my depression might win and in all honesty that scares me. 

With this new year fastly approaching the two words I have chosen are: Humility and Life

I have chosen those two words to remind me that I need to be humble. I need to stay grounded and not let myself get greedy and/or selfish. I need to reach outward to my fellow man. 

I chose the word Life to remind myself that life is beautiful. Life is a gift. Life is WORTH living. 

I am so excited for the year 2018 and all it has in store for me and for each of you too! 

Happy New Year, lovelies. I am so grateful for each of you and your beauty.

Never forget that and never forget hope.

You are loved. 

 

A Holiday Message

Dear Readers, 

"See the light in others, and treat them as if that is all you see."

 – Dr. Wayne Dyer

This quote has been my mantra for the holiday season. I love this time of year and all the meaning it has to me. I get to spend more time with my family/friends, people are more giving, and there is a since of magic around everything we do. It truly is the most wonderful time of the year. 

As Christmas is exactly a week away I just want you to each remember how important it is to look for the light in each other. Everyone is going through something that we no nothing about. They are going through their own storms and trials and we do not need to add to that. Remember that we are all equal, we each deserve love, and we each need to support one another.  

I hope through out this coming week you remember what this time of year is really for (love) and that you share it with everyone you come in contact with. 

Happy Holidays, lovelies. 

PC: BRADY (@bradaliny) -Instagram 

Never forget that and never forget hope.

You are loved.

SELF-WORTH CAN BE TOUGH

Dear Readers, 

I've learned that fear limits you and your vision. It serves as blinders to what may be just a few steps down the road for you. The journey is valuable, but believing in your talents, your abilities, and your self-worth can empower you to walk down an even brighter path.

-Soledad O'Brien

These words rang so true to me and one of my biggest weaknesses... self-worth. I struggle SO much with accepting myself, in any aspect. I struggle so much at times that all I can do is cry and wait for the tears to pass. I always fall into the comparison cycle of looking at others and their good and comparing it to my bad and I believe we all do this. 

Yesterday was a very busy but emotional day. I got to help all day and night with a foundation I volunteer at as much as I can. This was a very huge event that was created to help  LGBTQ+ Youth in Utah not feel alone or ashamed but to help them feel like they are beautiful as they are and they are needed in this community. There was an amazing turn out of youth and their families/friends. 

Through out the entire day I could not help but smile while looking at all of these youth. They felt safe, wanted, and authentically accepted. It was beyond amazing. The finale for the event was a concert. I was helping and so I was in the back of the stadium and as one song played I could not help but just let all of my tears out. You might assume they were tears of joy (which they were) but in all honesty it was mainly tears of sorrow. Why? You may ask. The reason being is because I felt sorrow for my past self. I was grieving what teenage Nathan had to go through and also what I had to go through last year after and before my suicide attempt.

 That time was almost complete darkness for me. 

I felt sorrow for that past part of my life because I thought about that if I knew what all of these high school and middle school kids knew now that maybe I would have never had tried to kill myself and maybe my depression would not be as bad as it is at times. 

After my tears stopped I had the realization that I am grateful for those past parts of my life. Without them I would not be who I am and I would not be able to help all those who I do. It was amazing to have that revelation and to in a sense gain a piece of my self-worth that was not there before. 

Self-worth can always be found.

 IT IS NOT LOST. 

This experience did not get rid of my negative thoughts but it helped me to realize a few things: 

Yes, I struggle with self-worth. Yes, at times I see no value in myself. Yes, I sometimes do not feel hopeful. 

AND THAT IS OKAY!!!

 It is okay to always be a work in progress. It is okay to continually grow into yourself so that you can feel your own self-worth. 

When you continue to search for your self-wroth you continue to walk down your own path of light, lovelies. I know that at times all you will see is your negatives. Accept that, sit in that, and let your heart work through that. It will help you heal and it will help you to become better and finding your own worth. We all deserve that. So... as this next week starts fight the comparing game and remember your own worth, even if it is only one thing.

Never forget that and never forget hope.

You are loved lovelies.

YOU’LL FIND LOVE

Dear Readers, 

It’s 8:18pm on a brisk November night... on a Friday. I am sitting on my bed in the comfiest of comfy robes and I have a Christmas Bath and Bodyworks candle burning. It’s really peaceful and I should be happy and content but I’m not. At this moment I am feeling this: melancholy, outcast, alone, stressed, and confused. 

I know this might seem weird to be sharing with you but I promise that it’s for a reason. I love each of you beyond words and I love to be raw and honest with you. So, here I go. 

You know that feeling of wanting someone to love you? I do. More times than not I feel that and I feel it deeply. From past posts you know I have not had the best luck with relationships. I can get in one, that’s not the problem but the problem is that someone always ends up hurting me in some way or another. It’s just what I have been given for now. Now don’t get me wrong, I don’t feel that I have to be in a relationship to feel whole but to one day be in a relationship with someone and it’s love that would be beautiful and almost in a since magical. Ya know? 

Today I was volunteering at a place that I do every Friday and my friend was there shadowing me. He was catching me up on his life and more specifically his dating life. He showed me his hundreds of matches on Tinder and updated me on all the men he is hopeful about. I couldn’t help but smile and just feel so happy for him. I love to see him dating and it being successful and him “slaying” it. Haha 

Seeing people I love  happy is one of my favorite things! 

But... while he was catching me up in the back of my head I kept thinking: 

“What is wrong with me?” “What does he have that I don’t?” “I can see why men want him and not me.”

After I noticed what I was saying and doing to myself I waited for a moment for when he stopped and excused myself to the restroom. I closed the door behind me, looked in the mirror over the sink, and said to myself: 

“You WILL find love and you will have more dates in the future. Right now it’s just not your time and that’s okay! You’re doing great and your handsome!”

That moment was a wake up call for me. 

With me telling you this I don’t want you to feel bad for me in the slightest. I instead want you to put this toward your own train of thought. If you’re not in a relationship right now remember that it’s okay! Love takes time and it will happen when the time is right. It may not be when you think it is but in retrospect it will be. I PROMISE! So don’t let being single or the struggles of dating get you down. You’re amazing. You’re of so much worth. And you’re beautiful! 

Never forget that and never forget hope.

You are loved lovelies.

I AM ENOUGH

Dear Readers, 

Something I have always struggled and mostly likely will always battle with is the love of my appearance and self as a human. It's always been a roller coaster of emotions and it has caused some bumps and bruises. 

Tuesday this week was quite the painful journey. I went to my classes and during my classes and on throughout my day, while I was at work my self worth went down the drain. The thoughts kept going through my head of thinking just some of these things:

 "I am just average and nothing is special or makes me unique...", there's more but the list could just go on forever and so I will not give those thoughts that type of time. 

While I was thinking these things the thought came to me to text a certain friend and reach out... I did and it was most likely the best thing I could have done for myself! We texted for the entirety of about 7 hours and she never made me feel like I was burdening her. 

She let me vent about how I was feeling, things that were stressing me, and even just what I am doing this weekend. We even shared a few jokes back and forth and it was the best thing for me. I guess the way I interrupt our conversation is that it was a soul healing session and it was beautiful and sacred for me. Why? You may ask. Because I got a little more strength throughout that conversation and within the first hour I was able to stop crying after I had been crying for the past 2 hours. 

At one point in our conversation I had given her a big list of all of the things I hate about myself and/or doubt about myself and here is a few words of what she said in response to that: 

"You are GREAT at loving others.

You are GREAT at sharing kindness. 

You are an influence for good. 

You are also a force to be reckoned with."

Those 4 sentences have become a mantra for me and have given me so much hope the past two days and I challenge each of you to use them for yourself as well. Why? Because in times of doubt we MUST be remind ourselves or each other of our value and why we are needed. At least I do. Whether it's through reading a few of my favorite quotes, listening to my Empowering Playlist, or just talking about life with a dear friend. It helps heal/strengthen me and I know it can do the same for you. 

Even though I am weak in knowing my worth or my ability to conquer most things I do know this. 

I know each of you are A-mazing. I know that you are each beautiful. I know that each of you are STRONG. 

Never forget that and never forget about hope. 

You are loved lovelies. 

I Hope This Helps You Heal

Dear Readers, 

I am cold. I feel goosebumps under my ballet tights and the warm air, from the heater blows onto the car windshield. I listen to one of my favorite playlist as I drive to school. I am in a peppy mood. 

As I sit at my desk and wait for my class to start I get on my phone... per usual except this time it is far from that. I read so many headlines about so many lives lost and way to many people injured. 

I start to feel numb. 

"This can not be." I keep saying over and over to myself. 

"This can not be."

I was in my class physically but mentally I was in Las Vegas. 

I went to my other classes and after I got home I just cried.

Once my tears started I could not get them to stop and all I could was let my emotions do what they wanted because that is what my soul needed. 

It needed to scream. 

In all honesty lovelies... I still feel a little numb from it but I am doing so much better. I am seeing that we are in mourning right now, as a country, and as a world. 

I feel many things about this and I do have my political opinions but I do not want to bring politics here and so I digress. 

I guess I am sharing my thoughts from that day with each of you to let you know that you are not alone. Your emotions are real and you feel them for as long as you need to. It's okay to hurt. It's okay to cry. And it's even okay to be angry. 

You. Are. Human. 

"Whatever you are going through, however dark it may seem, there is an undeniable truth and strength in the fact that you are not alone. We all have struggles. And as long as you never give up on yourself. Light will break through the darkness."

-Kesha

Be strong lovelies. 

Just Let Me Die

Dear Readers,

In Utah, suicide is the leading cause of death for the state of Utah for ages 10 to 17. It is the second leading cause of death for ages 18 to 24 and 25 to 44 and the fourth-leading cause of death for ages 45-64. It truly is an epidemic and it is not going away. After learning that and researching why, there really is no "official" answer.  So, after hearing that please continue to read this post to hear about my suicide story.

425 lives lost. 425 people who have passed on. 425 humans who died from suicide in the state of Utah, this year alone. When I discovered this news on Friday, my heart was very heavy and I spent my day (after my classes) wrapped up in blankets and in my bed. It really took a toll on me.

You might be wondering why and it's because it reminded me of my own suicide attempt last year and how that was almost me. I could be dead right now and that... and that scares me.

The reason it scares me is because on the 25th of August, 2016 I tried to kill myself by overdosing on prescription drugs. I thought I needed to be gone. I thought my life was pointless. I thought that no one cared or even loved me. I thought that if I died the world would be a brighter place and no one would even notice I had passed. I felt completely alone and I felt like a weird species that people were disgusted by.

My depression got so bad that weeks before my attempt, killing myself was the only thing I thought about. All I could think about was me being gone. I wanted it with all of my being. 

The reason I felt those things and if I am being completely honest with you, I sometimes still do... is because of about three main things...

•  I am Gay and I was not out yet and growing up in the area I did, it was frowned upon and looked at as disgusting
• I was in an abusive relationship from the age of 16, on and off and he really did a number on my mental health
• I always had depression and those two factors plus my body dis-morphia really ate at my soul 

After my attempt I remember waking up in the hospital with my parents, doctors, and nurses crying over me. All them were in such a shock of what had a occurred and the reason of why I chose to die. I remember not even caring that they were relieved that I was alive but I was more thinking about how angry I was that it didn't work. I remember yelling at God that he messed up in keeping me here. I remember thinking that if he doesn't like gays, he should have let me go. I just wanted to be dead.

After I was healthy enough to be transferred to the mental hospital, they moved quickly and got me there. I remember arriving and bumping into a woman who has known me since I was 11 years old. She was one of the therapists there and also got assigned to check me in. It brought me comfort to know that she was with me and made me feel safe be checked in there.

I spent about 2 weeks in the hospital before I was able to go home. I was so relieved to be able to go home. I was grateful for all of the tools I learned and the therapy. THERAPY is a life saver and everyone should go at least once!!!

When I arrived home, I remember being greeted by family and a few close friends. I thought that they were going to chew me out for what I had done and only want to talk about that, thankfully it was the opposite. They talked about movies they had seen, new clothes they had bought, and different beauty products they think I would love. It meant the world to me. The reason it did was because they chose to treat me like a normal person and not some depressed freak, like the movies portray depression as.

They handle it beautifully and for that I am beyond grateful.

Now, you might be wondering why I chose to share this part of me with you and the reason is this: life is worth living and there have been way to many lives lost recently.

I want to make a difference in this world and want others to know that it's okay to have depression. It's not a bad thing and in fact, it's another thing that makes you uniquely you. 

I and so many others are beyond grateful that you are alive and that you are still striving to breath.

WE NEED YOU!

If you ever feel depressed or any negative feelings at all, please call the National Suicide Hotline which is:

 1-800-273-TALK

The time is now, to end suicide.

Stay strong my lovelies.

Tear Drops and Hope

Dear Readers, 

Do you remember the children's book "Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day"?

That was my day, both yesterday and today. Yesterday I woke up and I just felt unattractive. I had dark circles under my eyes, a pimple on my forehead, I was running late that morning, and did not have a nice outfit on, and got to work 30 minutes late... yikes. 

Once I got to work I started to get in the groove of doing what my boss wanted me to. I was answering his emails and helping with clients. Through out the day though I had a coworker, who let's just say, wanted to bicker, and since I wasn't giving in hurt the feelings of said person. 

After handling that fiasco, I got assigned to help one client in particular, for my boss. It's a long story and I can not go into details but she was not following the rules and was not happy that she got caught by the head of the company. 

With that being said... the person decided to talk down to me, belittle me, and try her best to make me feel insignificant. After the hour long meeting, I walked away feeling defeated and even less self-esteem than before, when I left my home this morning. I had to take a minute to myself and have a little cry and also just to get some actual fresh air. It helped and I freshened myself up and went back in and continued to my work. 

Later that evening I discovered the news that my friends brother, who has been missing since July 27th, 2017 body was discovered.
After feeling sorry for myself all day I couldn't help but feel horrible. Here I am, feeling I look ugly and bad because I have been having a horrible work day and my friend and his entire's families heart's were just shattered. They lost a brother, son, father, and husband. An amazing man and will never be forgotten.

After hearing this, I waited till everyone else left my work building and I just sat at my desk and with my hands on my knees and head laying in them, I cried and cried some more. For awhile I just could not get them to stop. I felt defeated and my heart felt quite heavy...

I drove home listening to some songs, to help cheer me up. Once I got home I did some self-care. That included:
1)Steam Shower
2) Watching "The Goonies"
3) Eating some lemon cake with cream cheese frosting
4) Hugs from my family

After doing that I felt much more calm and like I could go to sleep that night.


Even though these past 2 days have been hard, I have grown and I have learned something.
It's okay to have moments where you feel bad for yourself but do not stew in them. If you have to have a couple days to hurt, do it and do not let anyone say you can't.
We each NEED to feel all of our emotions and not let them get pushed down and ignore them. It's unhealthy and does so much damaged to our mental and physical health in the long run.

Remember to do a thing a day for you and for someone else. It really will make you feel better and get you through the trying times. It has for me.

SO! Even though my life is a little bit of a roller coaster, at the moment. I know it will get less bumpy and smooth, soon.



 Life is a blessing and so are each of you.

Love,

Nathan

I Don't Know About You But I'm Feeling 22

Dear Readers, 

As tomorrow (August 8th) is my 22nd birthday I wanted to share 22 things I have learned through out my life, so far.  

I hope they help you with whatever you are going through and know I adore each of you. 

1) Love the body you have given. 

- I have learned this time and time again. It is so important to take your own personal journey and learn to love EVERY part of you. You are perfect just as you are.

2) Hold your tongue at times. 

-It's always good to let your voice be heard but don't say things that may cause harm to others. Use your voice to bring smiles to others... not frowns. 

3) Eat that piece of cake or buy that shirt. 

-Everyday is a gift and we need to live like it is so. Eat that piece of cake that looks delicious or buy that shirt from the mall you are obsessed with. It really is worth it. 

4) It's okay to cry in front of others. 

-Throughout my life (especially this past year) I have felt all the emotions I have found it's better to be vulnerable and share what's on your mind than bottling it up and hurting yourself. 

5) Chase what lights you up.

- I use to just go with the crowd and I have learned life is way more fun doing exactly what you love than what others want you to. 

6) Do things that scare you. 

-Go out to that party and jump in that lake. You won't grow unless you go out of your box. 

7) Don't be afraid to make new friends. 

- I use to think I have all the friends I need but I have learned it's always good to meet new people. You never know who will become your forever friend. 

8) Forget the haters. 

-There will always be people who think less of you... don't pay attention to them and live your life!

9) Make time for yourself. 

-You time is so important. Even if it is just a bath and some good tunes. Always make time for yourself. 

10) Be willing to find new music. 

-This one is more recent. At the end of last year my friend started to share a new song with my everyday and ever since than I have loved the adventure to find new tunes. 

11) Find outlets to express yourself. 

-I have always used my writing to share my thoughts and I always have used my dancing. It's almost like therapy for me and I promise that whatever your outlet is, if you continue to do it or start to do it, you will start to see how happy it makes you. 

12) Make family and friend time important. 

-Yes, we all are so busy but when you make some time each week to spend with the people you love, you will build relationships and grow a support system. Which we all need. 

13) Enjoy fashion! 

-Anyone who knows me knows I LOVE fashion and picking out new outfits. It's an amazing outlet and you will feel more confident in all you do when you love what you wear. 

14) Make goals. 

-It might sound cliche but it is so important. Give yourself things to achieve. It will get you more motivated in your daily life and help you feel more accomplished. 

15) Try to be a little more healthy. 

-Whether it's going for a walk or to just drinking more water. You only have one body and it's important to take care of it. 

16) Denny's at 2 in the morning, with friends is sometimes just what you need. 

-Nobody is there and I have had some of the deepest conversations with some friends there. 

***ALSO the cinnamon-roll pancakes are kind of to die for*** (; 

17) If you don't succeed the first time, try again. 

-Never give up on something that really matters to you. Yes, you might not be the best at it right now but if you give up before really giving it a shot, you will never truly know how well you could have done. 

18) What matter in high school no one will care about in college. 

-Just trust me on that one. 

19) Always be willing to go on a second date.

-Now this isn't for the ones you feel creeped out by but on the first date everyone is nervous. Go on the second date and you can see a more relaxed them and really see who they are and if it could go somewhere. 

20) Don't get embarrassed. 

-When you are out with friends and dancing just dance! Who cares what others think. They don't know you and just be you. Never let the haters win. 

21) Never let what happened in the past control your present/future. 

-Bad things have happened to all of us. It hurts and someday's you still remember that event... that's okay. Take time to heal and come back from that but in the end never let it take over your life. There may be moments, yes but never let it consume you and take of your life. 

You're worth more than that. 

22) Just live and strive for a happy life. 

- Life is amazing and even though there are bumps there are way more smooth spots to enjoy. So laugh a lot more, cry a lot less, and remember that your life is oh so good. 

I am excited to see what this new year of life has in-store for me and I am grateful to be alive. 

Goodbye 21 and hello 22. 

Love, 

Nathan 

It Is Just One Hit and One Bruise

Dear Readers,

“The most beautiful people I’ve known are those who have known trials, have known struggles, have known loss, and have found their way out of the depths.” 

– Elisabeth Kübler-Ross

He will change. He promised me he'll stop hitting me. He is a good guy, he just gets angry at me sometimes. It's my fault. I can be better for him.

These are the things I said to myself, hundreds of times in my past relationship with my abuser. Before I "came out" publicly as gay only one person knew and that person was my abuser. I thought he loved me and since he was the only one who knew I thought that is what all relationships are like in the gay community.  I dealt with it and got use to the things he did.

When the relationship first began it was bliss. He treated me like a king and showered me with gifts. That ended one month after the relationship began. After that he started to show a different side of him that I never knew before. It scared me and made me felt like I was in a black hole that I could not escape. It started off with that he would get mad and hit or say awful things to me only once in awhile... but then it became the usual.

I remember one occasion that will always stick out in my head and that I will never forget. One day I got off work and I wanted to surprise him with flowers at his job and so I brought them to him and he got so mad because the flowers were the wrong color. He then told me how horrible I was with some choice words and then punched me in the back and cracked a rib of mine. That is when I knew I had to get out.

For so many of you reading this you are probably thinking "Oh! I would have left him way before this! How could you stick around?!"and to that I say, you must of not been in an abusive relationship and you can not understand. When you are in a relationship like this you feel trapped and they have such a mental hold on you you feel like you can not escape no matter what. So please try to understand and do not judge.

I digress.

After that incident it took me a couple more months and  more beatings before I was brave enough to cut all ties with that truly evil man. Once I did I felt almost numb. I didn't know how to date and to be honest I was slightly scared to as well. I mean wouldn't you be if you thought that is how all relationships would be for you from then on?

A few months later after I cut all ties I found my peace. I found my strength. I found me again. I had a realization while I was watching a a TED Talk that I am of SO MUCH WORTH and that I deserve so much more respect in a relationship and that I am truly beautiful. I am a male survivor of physical and verbal abuse. 

For any who might be hurting and dealing with anything I have spoken about, I want you to know you are NOT alone and to please reach out to someone you trust to help you get out. You deserve so much more. You are of great worth and I and so many others love you. 

Never forget that lovelies.

Love,

Nathan

Proud Pride

Dear Readers,

Before I start with this post I want to say this post is not intended to cause offense to anyone or any sort of negative emotions. I just hope to bring across a message of joy, hope, and love.

Now, on with the post. (:

June is World Pride Month and as a gay man this is my first I have gotten to celebrate being that I only came out in November of last year. 

Salt Lake City Pride was the first weekend of June and it truly was a wonderful experience for me. I got to spend it with friends and family that I love. I think my favorite experience from the entire weekend was the Sunday morning parade. I got to walk in the parade with a foundation I support and I got to walk it with my friends and family. I don't truly how to describe it but I truly felt beyond free and one hundred percent myself. There was no judgement and just love being shown to all.

Another wonderful experience that I got to experience this month is that I got to speak at Encircle: LGBT+ Family and Youth Center. I shared my coming out story and how I have learned to thrive after my suicide attempt (which is a whole blog post in it's self). It was truly a beautiful experience and even though I may have stumbled I am grateful for that opportunity and all who came to support me. I just pray that I was able to touch at least one soul. 

It truly changed me and I will never forget it.

To change gears a little bit I want to say what Pride means to me and hear it is:

What this month means to me is love. Pride truly is celebrating yourself for who you are, no matter if that's gay, straight, lesbian, or whatever that may be. It means love one another as yourself and learning to not be unkind to your fellow man all year around. It means spreading hope to those who feel hopeless. It means to show joy to the sad. 

I truly feel that once we realize that someones sexuality is just a very small part of them and it doesn't define who they are in any aspect of their life. So please, don't judge someone based on their sexuality but get to know them and I promise you will learn to love them... even if your beliefs differ. Anyone who is apart of the LGBTQ+ community is just like anyone who is apart of the straight community. We have dreams of having a family one day, being great at whatever career who pursue, and to love and be loved. We have more similarities then any differences we have. 

My challenge to you is to go about your day loving more and seeing the good in others instead of their faults. I promise that when you do, you will start to feel more happy.

“Love each other dearly always. There is scarcely anything else in the world but that: to love one another.” 

― Victor Hugo

Love,

Nathan

The Week Of Death

Dear Readers, 

What a week my lovelies. I know this might sound dark and dramatic but I call this past week 

"The Week of Death".

Here is why: 

On Monday, early in the morning my great uncle Don passed away from his battle of cancer. I was in a type of shock when my parents told me, due to him only being diagnosed 13 days before his passing. He was such a wonderful man. He always put everyone first and he helped all who crossed his path. 

The entire city, where he lived, was in mourning from his passing. I am grateful that he is not in pain anymore and I am grateful for all the love and prayers that have been sent to my family and I.

On Friday (the day of my uncle Don's funeral), I got on to my Facebook and saw the news that my dear friend Bonnie, a woman who I was her care taker for passed away. All I could do was get up from my desk and go to the stairs at my work and cry. I texted my coworker Lexi to have her meet me in the stairs. I told her the news and she just held me. It was just what I needed and I am so thankful for that beautiful moment. 

A few moments later, my mom called and told me the news that one of my aunts passed away that morning. You guessed it... I cried some more. After having a good cry I freshened up and went back to my desk and pretended that everything was fine. 

I guess I didn't do a good job because my boss came to my office and said that he needed to meet with me in the conference room. I was so nervous and thought I was in trouble. I entered the room and sat down. He looked at me and said "You're having a hard day, aren't you?" I simply said, "I am." and became vulnerable and explained why. He explained how he understands and wanted me to take the rest of the day off. 

I wanted to give him a hug and explain how grateful I am but all I could do was get up and say thank you. I am so thankful for him seeing that I was having a hard day and he gave me a brake to rejuvenate. I've never had a boss show compassion like that and it makes me feel oh so grateful for my job, even though I am not the best at it. 

I know that we can have days, weeks, or months of hardships but I promise that they won't last. I know it feels like it will but I promise the good times will come again. Just like the sun rises each day. 

You are stronger than you think and you are braver than you think. You are a beautiful soul and you have those on here on this earth and those who have passed on cheering you on every moment of everyday.

Love, 

Nathan 

Love Yourself

Dear Readers, 

I feel like this week I have been hard on myself and my appearance and I hate that. I hate that I, at times I just rip my appearance apart and only focus on the negative. 

I know it is not healthy and I have done my best to do the opposite this week and I actually have come up with a new and awesome technique! 

What I have started to do is keep a daily "Self Positive Journal". Each day I write in it something that I love about myself. It can be either physical or more of an emotional one. 

I encourage everyone to try it. I promise you that you will start to see yourself in a more positive way and you will start to feel more confident in who you are. 

"When your opinion of yourself goes up then you’ll stop trying to get so much validation and attention from other people. You become less needy and find an inner stability even when your world might be negative or uncertain at times.

The increasing self-esteem and self-love also makes you feel more deserving of good things in life and so you’ll self-sabotage less and go after what you deep down want with more motivation and focus than ever before."

- Unknown

Love, 

Nathan

An Elect Lady

Dear Readers,

As Mother's Day was on Sunday I have been thinking about my own mom and the amazing woman she is. There truly are not words that can fully explain how much I love her but there is a quote that reminds me of her whenever I see it. 

“My mother was the most beautiful woman I ever saw. All I am I owe to my mother. I attribute my success in life to the moral, intellectual and physical education I received from her.” 

― George Washington

I adore you mom and I am beyond thankful for you and the beautiful human you are.

You are my person and I could never see my life without you.

Love your little Magoo (:

Did Someone Say Moving?!

Dear Readers,

All I can say is wow. You know how I was suppose to be moved to my new place and new city by now for school? Well... plans have changed and I am staying right where I am and I feel that it's what is suppose to be happening.

I have already found a new job and I just finished my first day there. 

So far it seems like a great place and I am really excited for what might be coming from it. As for school I will start attending Utah Valley University this fall and I am really excited. 

I've only done one semester of school but I will accomplish my dreams and get that degree. haha

Do you ever feel that your life plans change constantly? Well, I do and sometimes it hits me so hard that all I can do is sit down on my stairs and cry. Cry and yell at God that I am scared and I have no idea what He wants me to do. 

I mean I plan and prep and do what I feel He wants me to do and then I end up feeling broken and lost... 

I then remember something... I remember that it's all going to be okay and that I just need to have faith. I feel that a lot of the time He lets us feel broken so that when we feel full and joyful we really can feel it. Ya know? 

I hope this post has made sense (even though it's super short)  because I just wanted to be able to update you on my life and also what I've been thinking about a lot lately. 

I love you all so much and I hope you each are having a fantastic Monday. (:

Love, 

Nathan  

Life Update and Emotional Triumphs

Dear Readers,

It's been so long since I've wrote to you and it breaks my heart. I love writing my thoughts and about my day and sharing it with all of you.

Things have been pretty crazy this month from the musical "Sister Act The Musical" that I am performing in opening on the 4th and we perform every night except on Sundays and then also prepping everything for my move down to St. George Utah this coming month.

The show is going great and I have had so many people come to support me and show their love.

I feel like it makes me perform better as an actor when I know those I love are out there.

I love that feeling of the lights hitting my face and feeling the energy of my audience.

It is truly magical.

(My friend's Julie and Ashley after one of my performances)

Everything for my move seems to be going pretty smoothly as well.

Here is what I have gotten done so far:

1) Found an apartment

2) Decided on my classes for Fall semester

3) Applied for jobs and set up multiple job interviews

Yay me! #adulating

I am so excited yet scared for this move and here is why...

 I know no one where I am going. I have been down there only a handful of times and do not know the city. I also have never lived on my own.

It scares to me because well... what if I fail? What if I get horrible grades and I make no friends? What if I let God down?

I am doing this move for Him. He has told me for years to move down there and I never listened and did what I wanted and I know that is wrong. I've changed and I know that without a doubt I am suppose to be in Saint George, UT. I don't know why but I will go because He has asked me to. 

 Last night I felt so down and anxious about everything. I decided to pray for strength and guidance to help me with this journey and this morning... this morning I felt such a peace and joyful.

I received two calls for two more job interviews!

He is already answered so many of my pleas through prayer and He is doing it again.

I love Him so much and I am so excited for what I have going on in my life. I am growing and becoming a better version of myself.

Go me!

I know some of you may not believe in God or anything for that matter and that is okay!

I just want you to know that you have a purpose and that you WILL achieve great things.

You are more than any limitations you may have and you are a WARRIOR.

Please remember this my lovelies.

Comment below a fear you had and that you were able to conquer. 

I would love to hear! (:  

Love,

Nathan  

Deep Thoughts And A Hot Bath

Dear Readers, 

This past week I have been very stressed. From my car being in the mechanic and not knowing what is wrong with it.

Figuring everything out for this coming semester, for school, and living arrangements for school.

To the musical I am in, opening in a week and a half, and a lot of the cast is messing around, and not prepared for opening night. 

So lets say that when I have had free time I have been watching a ton of Netflix/vegging and drinking some fraps from the one and only Starbucks, haha Oh! And don't forget at least two baths a week (with showers in between).  (: 

Today I left work early and came home because I needed some "me time"

. As I am writing this my bath is filling with two of my natural oils (Faith and Stress Away). I for one really do love my oils and feel they work when I need relaxation and to get rid of some stress. Just the smell of the citrus and the my music playing in the background, has helped me calm down.

I feel that it is very important for everyone to take sometime out of each week and have some (me time). I think it is important for our mental and physical health. Whether for you it is watching your fav show or going to the gym and sweating it out. Do something that makes you happy and also gives you some alone time.

I promise that you feel so much more joyful and peppy because of it. :)

For me it is taking a bath while either listening to music or watching some of my fav Youtubers or Netflix show at the time. 

I hope that each of you have a wonderful week and let me know what you like to do for your "me time", lovelies. 

Love, 

Nathan

I Hope You Know

Dear Readers, 

I hope you know that you are not your mistakes.

I hope you know that you are not your trials that you are having to handle.

I hope you know that the pain you feel is only for a moment and not a lifetime.

I hope you know that your trials are actually blessings in disguise.

I hope you know that you are not forgotten.

I hope you know that there is always a rainbow ahead.

I hope you know you can smile today.

I hope you know that you are LOVED.

I hope you know.

Love,

Nathan

Bestie and Starbucks

Dear Readers, 

This past weekend was So needed for me! I haven't laughed that much in so long. 

On Saturday I spent the evening with one of my most dearest and best friends, Julie. Even though we've only known each for 3 years it seems like we've known each other since we were born. 

Usually we hang out and catch up once a week but we've both been pretty busy so we haven't seen one another since last month. Which is way over too long for us to be apart. We started  the night with grabbing Starbucks (of course) and sat in the Starbucks and talked for at least 2 hours. We laughed, we cried, and then laughed some more. It was so needed for us and I just love, love, love our Starbucks chats. Haha... but let's be real, who doesn't? (: 

I tried a new drink which is there Green Tea Creme Frappucino. TO DIE FOR. I love it oh so much and it might be my new fav! A must try for any frapp lovers out there!! 

After Starbucks we went and got some greasy nachos... which even though are SO unhealthy, it was definitely worth the calories. Haha And to end the night we cuddled and watched "My Big Fat Greek Wedding 2". It was good but does not beat the original in my opinion. 

I am so thankful for good friendships. I feel they are vital for every human to have a few close friends you can count on no matter what. To keep your secrets and to tell you when you need to shape up. It's important to have good family relationships as well but it's also important to have good friendships. So treat yourself and go grab a Starbucks with a bestie. 

What's something you love to do with your bestie? I'd love to hear about in the comments below. (: 

Love, 

Nathan 

A Few Words On Self Worth

Dear Readers,

Tonight I was trying to take a selfie to post on Facebook, to go with a thought I had, and to share it with my Facebook friends. Ten minutes later and about one hundred selfies later... I felt defeated and ugly. It left me sitting on my living room carpet almost in tears. Now I do not feel this way about my self all the time but sometimes it just comes in moments and it's hard to shake. Everyone has moments like this, ya know?

Anyways the reason I shared that with all of you is to let you know that none of us, are in fact "ugly". 

In fact you're simply stunning. Truly!

Yes we may feel ugly at times but NEVER EVER let those negative and self hating thoughts control you and what you think of yourself!!! 

You were created perfectly and beautifully by a God who loves you endlessly.

Always remember and happy Sunday lovelies.

Love,

Nathan

Do, Re, Mi, and Tip, Tap, Toe

Dear Readers, 

Something you guys don't know about me here in blog world is that I love theater (especially musical theater)! Since I was ten years old I have performed and ever since I was ten years old I have been in love with it. The stage is my safe haven. It's where I go to run away for a few hours and sing/dance out any emotions I might have. Does anyone else relate to that? 

Anyways, I have not been in a show since I was eighteen and I am now twenty-one. Yeah it's kind of long time if you are a performer. I have gotten kind of rusty and I hate that. I hate that I let my talents go to waste. So as a new year resolution for myself I decided that I will no longer let my talents just be locked away and I auditioned for my first musical since I was the age of eighteen. 

The Day of The Audition 

The day of the audition came and all day I was so nervous! It's all I could think about and I even had trouble focusing on anything else, especially at work. I felt bad but at the same time I felt justified because I was worried about something I love and care about so much. Ya know? Anyways even on my lunch break I didn't eat but I just sang my audition song over and over again in my car. 

After work I went home, showered, and put on the clothes I had picked out over a week ago for this. 

I was ready and not so confident. If that makes since? Haha

I get to the theater and I fill out the form they had and then I waited to be called in. When it was my turn to go I had so many nerves came over me that I let 2 people go in front of me. I know... crazy of me but I just needed some extra time to breath. 

I then go in, introduce myself, and sing. Overall the audition went really well. I didn't sing as much of the song as I should have but I sang what my nerves would allow. The director thanked me for my time and I was excused. As I was walking out of the theater and to my car I just kept taking deep breaths and out reassuring myself that I did a great job. 

Did Someone Say Callback? 

If I am being honest with you I did not think I would get a callback. I did not sing the full 18 bars and I was pretty shy that night and not my usual peppy self but I did!!! I was so excited that I dropped my phone out of excitement. (thankfully the screen did not break and thank goodness for screen protectors)! Haha

Callbacks went great. I opened up, I was relaxed, and it felt like I never took a break from theater. I then got an email later that day that let me know I was in the show. I was so excited and I was fine being cast as apart of the ensemble. That's what I wanted for my first show back secretly. 

In Conclusion 

The rehearsal's have been going pretty great. I mean there are always those rehearsals where no one will cooperate but overall I enjoy them.  I love theater and the many things I have been able to experience in the past and the many more I will be able to in the future.  

I guess what I want all of you to know through sharing this story is that yes, we have fears and yes, they can hold us back but don't let them. Never let the fears of the unknown stop you from achieving your dreams. You are amazing and you have so much talent. 

Never forget that.

Love, 

Nathan