It Is Just One Hit and One Bruise

Dear Readers,

“The most beautiful people I’ve known are those who have known trials, have known struggles, have known loss, and have found their way out of the depths.” 

– Elisabeth Kübler-Ross

He will change. He promised me he'll stop hitting me. He is a good guy, he just gets angry at me sometimes. It's my fault. I can be better for him.

These are the things I said to myself, hundreds of times in my past relationship with my abuser. Before I "came out" publicly as gay only one person knew and that person was my abuser. I thought he loved me and since he was the only one who knew I thought that is what all relationships are like in the gay community.  I dealt with it and got use to the things he did.

When the relationship first began it was bliss. He treated me like a king and showered me with gifts. That ended one month after the relationship began. After that he started to show a different side of him that I never knew before. It scared me and made me felt like I was in a black hole that I could not escape. It started off with that he would get mad and hit or say awful things to me only once in awhile... but then it became the usual.

I remember one occasion that will always stick out in my head and that I will never forget. One day I got off work and I wanted to surprise him with flowers at his job and so I brought them to him and he got so mad because the flowers were the wrong color. He then told me how horrible I was with some choice words and then punched me in the back and cracked a rib of mine. That is when I knew I had to get out.

For so many of you reading this you are probably thinking "Oh! I would have left him way before this! How could you stick around?!"and to that I say, you must of not been in an abusive relationship and you can not understand. When you are in a relationship like this you feel trapped and they have such a mental hold on you you feel like you can not escape no matter what. So please try to understand and do not judge.

I digress.

After that incident it took me a couple more months and  more beatings before I was brave enough to cut all ties with that truly evil man. Once I did I felt almost numb. I didn't know how to date and to be honest I was slightly scared to as well. I mean wouldn't you be if you thought that is how all relationships would be for you from then on?

A few months later after I cut all ties I found my peace. I found my strength. I found me again. I had a realization while I was watching a a TED Talk that I am of SO MUCH WORTH and that I deserve so much more respect in a relationship and that I am truly beautiful. I am a male survivor of physical and verbal abuse. 

For any who might be hurting and dealing with anything I have spoken about, I want you to know you are NOT alone and to please reach out to someone you trust to help you get out. You deserve so much more. You are of great worth and I and so many others love you. 

Never forget that lovelies.

Love,

Nathan